Had my 5th chemotherapy yesterday. All is well on the front lines, stomach pretty good, eating well, slept well. Doctors report was very good! He said my heart is good, my white count was good, and he gave me the standard dose of all my drugs. I have gained another pound and a half, although it seems that it should be more considering all I have been eating!! All in all, I am feeling very well. The PET scan I had a few weeks ago showed almost all the lymphoma gone! Just a small area near my collarbone which is mostly gone! I am very thankful to be doing so well, feeling my energy return, my flesh come back, and the hope that I may live to see my great-grandkids return!
I am turning my attention to the battle as it wages on a cellular level. I have been reading and questioning all my doctors about what is involved in Epstein-Barr virus caused lymphoma. Apparently the virus can damage DNA, messing with the code inside. Usually your immune system destroys such cells, but under some unknown circumstances, maybe your immune system is just a little down, one of these cells can escape detection and begin to multiply at a much greater rate than your normal cells. Also, these virus damaged cells don't die as they have lost their normal instructions. A normal white blood cell lives about 3 weeks, and then is replaced by a new white cell formed in the bone marrow. But the damaged cell group quickly takes over the other white cells, multiplying and birthing more damaged cells, and it eventually causes lymphoma.
So, the question is how do I remain a "good steward" of the healthy body God gave me in the future? I am on a quest to educate myself from all areas of thought, from conventional medicine, naturalpathic medicine, acupuncture, etc. to do all I can to keep the health the Lord has restored to me. I believe this to be the prudent direction to go in the future. After all, even though we know the Lord will heal us, we still are responsible to drive carefully, eat healthy, exercise, basically do what we can to keep healthy, or to be a good steward of the healthy bodies God gave us.
Again, my thoughts go the the soldier in an earthly battle. He trusts in the wisdom from his commanders, who are undoubtedly spending hours both alone and collectively pouring over every detail they can gather concerning the enemy and how he works. Can they learn enough to "figure out the enemy" in order to thwart his next attack? Can he be beaten even before he strikes, thus saving many troops from battle? Can they be smarter than him? If so, they can happily release the soldiers from the burden of war and send them home to their lives and loves. Our troops are trusting in the wisdom of their commanding team, and are ready to move forward or retreat if bidden. They are ready to fight, risking their lives if need be, to protect the greater good. How heroic they are! I feel weak in comparison, but thankfully I don't stand alone in this war! I have a faithful force of prayer partners, a great family who are ever waiting to do my bidding, a terrific husband who gives me strength and direction on an earthly level, but most of all a loving God who holds my hand, comforts me and gives me hope. He has actually done the fighting for me and replaced my disease with health! He has given me beauty for ashes, and I can never thank Him enough!!
Why do we wait so long before completely turning to Him in trouble or in happy times? What is it about us that makes us think we can do things independently from Him? Do we think Him to be too busy? Are we afraid He will straddle us with a job we are hesitant to do? Rethink your life habits. Turn to Him quickly and often - you will only receive blessing!!
Merry Christmas!!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday, Dec. 3rd
The war goes on, but truthfully, I am a soldier who has been protected through the heat of battle. Hard combat has thus far passed me by! All the assaults have been miraculously deflected by my Lord, my husband, my terrific family, and all my prayer partners.
My struggle took place in pre-war times, before I knew I had such a formidable enemy. My enemy was camouflaged very well, wreaking havoc in my body for months - possibly years. Once he was exposed, and I knew I had to fight and prepared myself as well as possible for the war, my victory began. Somehow, as I sit in the battlefield of the chemo room at the Cancer Institute, and I hear other soldiers telling of their wars with sometimes horrific details, I wonder at the mercy of my God to come to my aid so completely. Doesn't He remember my sins? Doesn't He remember all the times I ignored Him in my attitude? My unfaithfulness, even in light of His faithfulness? Apparently not, and He proves to me that "His mercies are new every morning"!
Today I had my 4th chemo treatment. I had such a good white cell count that I will be allowed to skip the Newlasta shot which makes me feel sore and tired. My weight is still good, and the Dr. says I am doing great! I have some new orders from him - I will have another PET scan, heart test and lung test this week and I know the results will be good.
As I sit and write to all my loved ones waiting for me to be through with the war, and contemplate my lot, I feel so blessed and so undeservedly favored. Yes, I am still in the war, war against months of stomach pain and seeing 30 pounds of my flesh melt away to expose my bones, months of painful arthritis which made it hard to move, tiredness so complete it took away my desire to do even the smallest non-essential things, and the fear caused by a desperate inner voice telling me that I must be very sick. But that victory is soon and sure! This soldier thanks you for your prayers, but rejoice with me too!!
My struggle took place in pre-war times, before I knew I had such a formidable enemy. My enemy was camouflaged very well, wreaking havoc in my body for months - possibly years. Once he was exposed, and I knew I had to fight and prepared myself as well as possible for the war, my victory began. Somehow, as I sit in the battlefield of the chemo room at the Cancer Institute, and I hear other soldiers telling of their wars with sometimes horrific details, I wonder at the mercy of my God to come to my aid so completely. Doesn't He remember my sins? Doesn't He remember all the times I ignored Him in my attitude? My unfaithfulness, even in light of His faithfulness? Apparently not, and He proves to me that "His mercies are new every morning"!
Today I had my 4th chemo treatment. I had such a good white cell count that I will be allowed to skip the Newlasta shot which makes me feel sore and tired. My weight is still good, and the Dr. says I am doing great! I have some new orders from him - I will have another PET scan, heart test and lung test this week and I know the results will be good.
As I sit and write to all my loved ones waiting for me to be through with the war, and contemplate my lot, I feel so blessed and so undeservedly favored. Yes, I am still in the war, war against months of stomach pain and seeing 30 pounds of my flesh melt away to expose my bones, months of painful arthritis which made it hard to move, tiredness so complete it took away my desire to do even the smallest non-essential things, and the fear caused by a desperate inner voice telling me that I must be very sick. But that victory is soon and sure! This soldier thanks you for your prayers, but rejoice with me too!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sunday, Nov. 14
It would be hard, next to impossible, I think, for any Christian going through a physical trial not to wonder about God's healing power. We all know of it, yet like an illusive and beautiful butterfly, it is hard to possess. Everyone has an opinion, a belief about when and why He chooses to bless us with it. We watch it fly by, anxious to grab it, yet not wanting to scare it away with our determined and awkward efforts toward knowing and claiming it for ourselves.
I am no different, and my current battle with cancer finds me pondering the subject of healing. I have arrived at some conclusions, which I hope are right. I sometimes think this is a subject that we Christians don't agree on because perhaps God isn't Someone who we can totally "figure out". What does He seem to tell us in His word? We all have our own opinions, and all would argue that their view is more scriptural than another who disagrees with him. I give the reader complete freedom to do just that - but indulge me with your consideration.
God does heal today, and some would argue that an immediate healing following prayer is the only way to see God's hand in a situation of physical trial. But I would say that a slow healing also displays God's power. Some would consider medical intervention a thing which excludes God's power. Can a Christian seeking medical help to overcome his or her physical problems claim to have been healed by God?
We know that God does indeed allow His children to go through trials for the "perseverance and perfection of their faith", and as we are admonished in James 1, we are to count this as joy and rejoice in our trials because through them, we know God is working in our lives. Can we expect that God does sometimes send a physical trial for a purpose in our lives?
I think the answer to this is "yes". Paul himself had a physical trial with his eyes, which God chose not to take away. I know I have benefited greatly from this trial. God has used it to increase my faith and show me His faithfulness to be close to me in spite of my habit of "busyness" which excluded time with Him. He has shown me His presence through His word, a great treasure I used to neglect. He has comforted me over and over again, and assured me I will indeed recover from this disease to rejoice in Him again, before He takes me home.
We have the prayer Jesus modeled for us, which shows us how to pray. In it, we are instructed to praise God, and ask for forgiveness, and we are taught to pray for His will on earth. I think this is key to the issue of healing. Do we stop before pouring out our requests to His to ask that He do his will?
The soldier on the battlefield must receive orders before he knows what to do. Will his orders tell him to retreat, advance, or stay put? Will he be miraculously air-lifted out of the situation at the discretion of the commander? He waits, perhaps hoping for any of those commands, yet, he is still until he receives his orders.
Can we do the same? Is it God's will to heal immediately, to seek medical help, to do nothing but wait on Him? I see God working in all these situations! He is not limited to our ideas of how to do things. He wants us to look to Him in faith, not to continue stubbornly seeking what we want when we want it. As for me, I know He is healing me, and that my doctors are one of His tools.
At the end of my trial, the butterfly will circle me, enticing me with it's beautiful colors, and land on me. God is good!
I am no different, and my current battle with cancer finds me pondering the subject of healing. I have arrived at some conclusions, which I hope are right. I sometimes think this is a subject that we Christians don't agree on because perhaps God isn't Someone who we can totally "figure out". What does He seem to tell us in His word? We all have our own opinions, and all would argue that their view is more scriptural than another who disagrees with him. I give the reader complete freedom to do just that - but indulge me with your consideration.
God does heal today, and some would argue that an immediate healing following prayer is the only way to see God's hand in a situation of physical trial. But I would say that a slow healing also displays God's power. Some would consider medical intervention a thing which excludes God's power. Can a Christian seeking medical help to overcome his or her physical problems claim to have been healed by God?
We know that God does indeed allow His children to go through trials for the "perseverance and perfection of their faith", and as we are admonished in James 1, we are to count this as joy and rejoice in our trials because through them, we know God is working in our lives. Can we expect that God does sometimes send a physical trial for a purpose in our lives?
I think the answer to this is "yes". Paul himself had a physical trial with his eyes, which God chose not to take away. I know I have benefited greatly from this trial. God has used it to increase my faith and show me His faithfulness to be close to me in spite of my habit of "busyness" which excluded time with Him. He has shown me His presence through His word, a great treasure I used to neglect. He has comforted me over and over again, and assured me I will indeed recover from this disease to rejoice in Him again, before He takes me home.
We have the prayer Jesus modeled for us, which shows us how to pray. In it, we are instructed to praise God, and ask for forgiveness, and we are taught to pray for His will on earth. I think this is key to the issue of healing. Do we stop before pouring out our requests to His to ask that He do his will?
The soldier on the battlefield must receive orders before he knows what to do. Will his orders tell him to retreat, advance, or stay put? Will he be miraculously air-lifted out of the situation at the discretion of the commander? He waits, perhaps hoping for any of those commands, yet, he is still until he receives his orders.
Can we do the same? Is it God's will to heal immediately, to seek medical help, to do nothing but wait on Him? I see God working in all these situations! He is not limited to our ideas of how to do things. He wants us to look to Him in faith, not to continue stubbornly seeking what we want when we want it. As for me, I know He is healing me, and that my doctors are one of His tools.
At the end of my trial, the butterfly will circle me, enticing me with it's beautiful colors, and land on me. God is good!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, Nov. 9
Well, today I had my head shaved! This involves many emotions whether you want it to or not. But, like a good soldier, I endured it bravely. I was leaving phase behind but looking forward to the victory ahead. It helped immensely to have a great wig to wear which I had already picked out.
Physically, I am doing pretty good. My doctor reports that my bone marrow has no cancer and I have already been able to gain a few pounds! I endured the 2nd chemotherapy with only a bit of nausea. The shot I get the day after chemo makes me sore for a few days and tired. I was told to expect this, and the pay off is that it encourages my body to make more new white blood cells, which I need!
So today finds me walking between battles carefully, trying to avoid any unseen pitfalls or dangers while trusting my God to carry my through. Daylight always comes, with it a bit more strength and confidence in the healing I know awaits me.
Physically, I am doing pretty good. My doctor reports that my bone marrow has no cancer and I have already been able to gain a few pounds! I endured the 2nd chemotherapy with only a bit of nausea. The shot I get the day after chemo makes me sore for a few days and tired. I was told to expect this, and the pay off is that it encourages my body to make more new white blood cells, which I need!
So today finds me walking between battles carefully, trying to avoid any unseen pitfalls or dangers while trusting my God to carry my through. Daylight always comes, with it a bit more strength and confidence in the healing I know awaits me.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, Nov. 4
God is so good and faithful to me. Even though He gave me a hard trial, He has been with me every step of the way. When I am discouraged, and waves of fear wash over me, He stands ready to encourage me through His Word.
When you find out you have something like cancer, you experience many emotions. You feel like your body has betrayed you and are afraid to trust it now. You wonder what the Lord is doing, and what the outcome will be. You wonder if you will be able to withstand the chemotherapy, or whatever other treatment the doctors decide on. You dread going to each - never ending - test or biopsy because you fear hearing more bad news. Discouragement comes without you even being aware of it and hangs like a dark cloud over everything, making it hard to take God's hand and let Him pull you up out of it. But, that is what He does each time I have remembered to look up!! He is faithful even when we aren't. He is ever waiting for me to come to Him so He can bless me and increase my faith. He gives me His strength and peace, when I have had none.
My thoughts go again to the soldier. What thoughts wrestle inside His mind, what emotions stir and trouble his heart? What comfort does he find in the dark and quiet as he lies waiting for sleep to come?
What if the enemy takes his life? Who would take care of his family at home, his children, his wife, his parents? Did he risk too much when he took the brave challenge to enter the battle? Will God protect him, or will he possibly be injured or handicapped in the war? Would he be able to deal with a lifelong handicap? To what island in this sea of trouble and fear does his heart find to shelter on?
My heart goes out to the poor soldier who does not know the Lord, the refuge of our souls. For the ones who know God, we can take so much from David, who knew and wrote of such emotional troubles. If anyone knew what it meant to be hunted for years by the enemy, stuck in the wilderness, away from all the comforts of his life and his calling, it was David. I have been able to say with him,
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Ps. 42.
Again, in Ps. 9 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Also, "I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Ps. 23.
God has taught me so much through the emotional roller coaster of this trial - how to hold His hand through fear, how to esteem His word to me over all else, how to wait, say to my soul to look to Him, and to trust. Plain and simple words, but so hard for us - trust. God is good!!
When you find out you have something like cancer, you experience many emotions. You feel like your body has betrayed you and are afraid to trust it now. You wonder what the Lord is doing, and what the outcome will be. You wonder if you will be able to withstand the chemotherapy, or whatever other treatment the doctors decide on. You dread going to each - never ending - test or biopsy because you fear hearing more bad news. Discouragement comes without you even being aware of it and hangs like a dark cloud over everything, making it hard to take God's hand and let Him pull you up out of it. But, that is what He does each time I have remembered to look up!! He is faithful even when we aren't. He is ever waiting for me to come to Him so He can bless me and increase my faith. He gives me His strength and peace, when I have had none.
My thoughts go again to the soldier. What thoughts wrestle inside His mind, what emotions stir and trouble his heart? What comfort does he find in the dark and quiet as he lies waiting for sleep to come?
What if the enemy takes his life? Who would take care of his family at home, his children, his wife, his parents? Did he risk too much when he took the brave challenge to enter the battle? Will God protect him, or will he possibly be injured or handicapped in the war? Would he be able to deal with a lifelong handicap? To what island in this sea of trouble and fear does his heart find to shelter on?
My heart goes out to the poor soldier who does not know the Lord, the refuge of our souls. For the ones who know God, we can take so much from David, who knew and wrote of such emotional troubles. If anyone knew what it meant to be hunted for years by the enemy, stuck in the wilderness, away from all the comforts of his life and his calling, it was David. I have been able to say with him,
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Ps. 42.
Again, in Ps. 9 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Also, "I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Ps. 23.
God has taught me so much through the emotional roller coaster of this trial - how to hold His hand through fear, how to esteem His word to me over all else, how to wait, say to my soul to look to Him, and to trust. Plain and simple words, but so hard for us - trust. God is good!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, Oct. 31
AAAAAH! I'm wounded! Mouth sores all over! It's a universal side effect of chemotherapy - and I was told to expect it, but boy is it miserable. Also, my back decided to give me trouble at the same time!
I am reduced to cleaning my teeth and gums with wet cotton balls - I couldn't even think of brushing. I do think this situation is getting better with the cleaning and rinsing with special mouth wash.
Now, my back is a different story. I've had chronic lower back problems since 7th grade. Through years of experimenting, going to chiropractors and massage therapists, God made it clear to me long ago that the cause of my back trouble was just plain old poor muscle tone. Back muscles are connected to abdominal muscles, and together they are know as your "core". I've known for years that I needed to get into better physical shape, but like most people, I put it off because I led a very busy life, a life that didn't have room for doing plain, boring exercise. I did have the off month or so when I tried a yoga class (which I could tell was really good for me), or walking regularly, but in general, I ignored my need to strengthen myself. Last spring, I was privileged to be able to go to physical therapy for a month, and the therapist gave me some great and simple core exercises to do. I did them for a time, and when I felt better, I promptly got too busy again to do them! Well, now that I need to be strong, I am paying for my lack of attention!
I should have gone to basic training when I had the chance! Now, I'm on the battlefield and down with an old injury. How foolish of me! Basic training is hard and demanding, and it's a total commitment for a time, but so worth it!! A soldier needs to be ready for the battle when it comes, and he may never know when that will be. So, I hunker down in my trench, use the tools available to me - the heating pad and rest - to get better, and you can believe I will be back on those exercises as soon as I am able!! The lesson - DON'T BE LAZY, or you may not be prepared when you need your strength! God bless!!
I am reduced to cleaning my teeth and gums with wet cotton balls - I couldn't even think of brushing. I do think this situation is getting better with the cleaning and rinsing with special mouth wash.
Now, my back is a different story. I've had chronic lower back problems since 7th grade. Through years of experimenting, going to chiropractors and massage therapists, God made it clear to me long ago that the cause of my back trouble was just plain old poor muscle tone. Back muscles are connected to abdominal muscles, and together they are know as your "core". I've known for years that I needed to get into better physical shape, but like most people, I put it off because I led a very busy life, a life that didn't have room for doing plain, boring exercise. I did have the off month or so when I tried a yoga class (which I could tell was really good for me), or walking regularly, but in general, I ignored my need to strengthen myself. Last spring, I was privileged to be able to go to physical therapy for a month, and the therapist gave me some great and simple core exercises to do. I did them for a time, and when I felt better, I promptly got too busy again to do them! Well, now that I need to be strong, I am paying for my lack of attention!
I should have gone to basic training when I had the chance! Now, I'm on the battlefield and down with an old injury. How foolish of me! Basic training is hard and demanding, and it's a total commitment for a time, but so worth it!! A soldier needs to be ready for the battle when it comes, and he may never know when that will be. So, I hunker down in my trench, use the tools available to me - the heating pad and rest - to get better, and you can believe I will be back on those exercises as soon as I am able!! The lesson - DON'T BE LAZY, or you may not be prepared when you need your strength! God bless!!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, Oct. 26th
Today I went to get my hair trimmed so I'll look more like myself - I am not sure whether or not I will actually loose all my hair from the chemo, so I decided to wait and see before cutting it all off. It looks good now. Yesterday I didn't feel good, fuzzy headed and very tired, which makes it easy to get discouraged. But I felt much better toward the evening - which is typical for me since I am a night person. Today I am doing good.
I have already seen some of my symptoms subside! I not longer seem to be having a real problem with the cough - a great relief! That coughing urge is gone, and if I need to I can just clear my throat or cough a little. Also, I can now sleep on either side and not feel that I can't breathe well - this is also a real relief. So, I am very encouraged and know the Lord is with me and healing me. I have loved reading Psalm 71 lately, "Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again:" He is good and faithful.
So, the view from the battlefield is blessedly quiet for now. How glad I am for all those around me ready to step in when I need reinforcements, and for those always on watch in prayer! I am blessed!
I have already seen some of my symptoms subside! I not longer seem to be having a real problem with the cough - a great relief! That coughing urge is gone, and if I need to I can just clear my throat or cough a little. Also, I can now sleep on either side and not feel that I can't breathe well - this is also a real relief. So, I am very encouraged and know the Lord is with me and healing me. I have loved reading Psalm 71 lately, "Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again:" He is good and faithful.
So, the view from the battlefield is blessedly quiet for now. How glad I am for all those around me ready to step in when I need reinforcements, and for those always on watch in prayer! I am blessed!
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